Wednesday, March 19, 2008

Blue Eyes


I slept well last night, deep. In the morning at 4:19 (no accident) I woke up from a dream about my girl. She was in the kitchen, sitting with Aly giving her a hug. I was so happy to see her. Steve came with Noah and he picked her up and held her so that she went upside down and her circulation got all scrambled and she said, "great there goes the vision" I remember thinking how awful it was and I was mad at Steve. I woke up.

I went back to sleep easily and this time I dreamed I was in Stevie's bed, Noah was in the middle and he was sleeping like a baby, he looked like his baby self and I looked at Stevie who was laying on the other side and said, "Doesn't he look like a baby?" She smiled, he woke up and went to lay on her chest. He played with her hair and said, "I wanna kiss you on the lips" He gave her a sweet kiss. I was so happy.

I could smell her and I remember thinking, "Oh God I can smell you, and your eyes are so blue, I remember now how blue they are" It lasted seconds but they were beautiful, wonderful seconds. I woke up saying "Thank you, thank you, thank you baby"

Today is the 19th, cemetery day. For the first time I am wondering if I should keep doing this. I feel Stevie telling me it is silly that she isn't there but I hate it that her body is so far away and alone. I have this need to be as physically close to her as I can. That is different than talking to her and dreaming about her. This feeling I am talking about is a Mom thing. My body aches to be near her and once a month I am. I understand that she is in a box that is in a cement box that is buried under ground. I understand her spirit is around me and not there but I keep telling her over and over, "I loved your body too and this is your place, the place I have marked with your name so no one will ever forget that you are real" When I go to the cemetery I feel like I am saying, "This child is loved and not forgotten."

I am going this morning. I have nothing to bring but myself, a blanket and maybe my journal. I will lay there with her memory and try to find a way to thank God for giving me nineteen years with the most exceptional person I will ever love instead of being angry at him for taking her away.

Stevie, Thank you for the dream, thank you for being with me, listening to me ramble on and on and for loving me from where you are, I am starting to feel it. I love you with all of me, everyday is one day closer.

Mama

2 comments:

julie Haymaker thompson said...

I just cried and cried when I read this. I have never lost a child-the ultimate pain. I feel so bad for you. When I lost my husband he was 44. I to threw everthing out of my studio, I thought I would never create again. My sister helped me find my way back. I am so glad you have too. Your dolls are so sweet. I think they would make Stevie Happy?!? You keep going on the 19th to, for as long as you want to .It is only natural to seek places that help one to feel close to the one you have love and miss so deeply. My heart and thoughts are with you. julie Haymaker thompson

bonniebluedenim said...

I know now why I am drawn to the cemetery where my parents reside. Thank you for sharing your thoughts. Find peace and joy in all you do!